I can't tell my right from my left. Seriously. I can puzzle it out (and it never takes long, just a moment or two) but when I say "turn right!" chances are basically 50-50 that I really meant left. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. I think it drives Erin a little batty whenever we rent a car. A few years ago someone taught me to look at my hands when I get confused, and the crook of my thumb and forefinger of my left one would form an 'L' and then I'd know which way was left. That works pretty well, but not so much when I am driving. It's sort of ironic, actually, because in my line of work (web lacky) I end up writing 'left' and 'right' a couple times a day, and without fail when I come to the part where I have to write it (TYPE it, you know) I stop typing and actually point whichever way with my right hand and in the time it takes to do so I can figure out which way that actually is. I must look like some sort of freeking idiot. I think the whole thing is somehow a manifestation of me having difficulty with binary decision. If I have to remember something that is an either/or proposition I am screwed. Like, if I know your phone number, but you used to have3 a different phone number that I also know, I will never ever ever be able to remember which is which. I can't remember my social security number correctly, because I somehow have a corrupted version of it, with the last 4 digits fouled up, in my brain and although I can remember both numbers clear as day I cannot for the life of me remember which last 4 digits is correct. It's just inaccessable. Bad data. One of my cameras (the Polaroid ProPack) has a little diagram on it that drives me out of my mind, I have crudely reproduced it here for your amusement. So, there is a knob that controls the light meter allowing you to let in more or less light as you see fit, and to tell you which way to turn the knob there are two icons representing the opposite ends of the knob and several graduated lines between them. The icons are a dot and a hollow dot. Hmmm. Maybe the hollow dot means 'open' which means it will allow more light in, and the plain dot means closed which will allow less light. But, remember this is white ink on black plastic, so actually the plain dot is 'lighter' than the hollow dot, so maybe I have it backwards. Oh, but anyway, are the icons telling you what you have or what you want? I mean do the dots refer to the amount of light in the room or the amount of light you want to be let onto the film? Does the hollow dot mean 'more light' in the sense that you are in the bright sun, and turning towards the hollow dot will indicate that to the camera and the camera will close the iris some, or does the hollow dot mean 'more light' in the sense that you are in a dark place and need to let more light into the camera? And, remember, are you absolutely sure that the hollow dot means more light? If you are me, this whole thing is basically maddening. Lefty loosy righty tighty is, as you know, the little mnemonic device to remember which way to turn faucets and screws and such. I always thought it was a poetic little phrase, and makes sense when you think of right and left in the political sense of the words. One day I'm going to write a novel called 'Lefty Loosy Righty Tighty', as a follow-up to 'The Golden Age of Shortstops'. Or maybe the other way around. Anyway, the whole LLRT thing is kind of confusing too, because the only time I've ever doubted which way I needed to turn some bolt or screw was when I was working on one of my crappy cars, and had my hand all stuffed up and around trying to get at some greasy, stuck bolt with hands numb from cold, in the dark and that same old annoying logic trap would open in my mind and I wouldn't be able to convince myself which way was right or left. OR I wouldn't be able to convince myself which way was right or left to the BOLT. I'm laying under the car, reaching up and around trying to work the bolt which is on a plane 90 degrees off from me. Argh. AND there is an INSANE thing where some bolts are BUILT BACKWARDS. So they are 'lefty tighty righty loosy', I guess to make you aware that you are messing with something important. I think there were some like that on my brake line bleeders on my Volvo. Lordy what a pain. Really, when you tighten a screw or whatever you are turning it CLOCKWISE, not to the right. The top is going to the right, the bottom is going to the left, the left side is going up and the right side is going down, all at the same time. That makes more sense to me, somewhow. And the more you use 'clockwise' the more you get to use 'widdershins'. What a great word. So, perhaps you have noticed that I have added a bunch of new pieces and new features to Uglymatic. It is much cooler now. You can even build a character with intention, as opposed to just randomly, and then send it and a message to somebody, and it shows up as the Uglymate is saying your message to your friend. Here, I've set one up just for you to show you what I mean. Also, have you been keeping up with all the new cellphone pictures? As usual, big changes are in store at DD.c and in my life in the near future. Stay tuned!